We here at Humpty Dumbtees / Dumb Kunst Studios have had 100s of amazing original ideas, as shown by vast array of wearables offered, but once in awhile, we need to give credit where credit is due, and acknowledge that we can't come up with every genius idea. With that, by way of Broken Lizard in Super Troopers 2, we imagine that most of you do in fact know what "The Key To Life" is...

There are always fun versions of our popular games like South Park Monopoly, Game of Thrones Risk, and Dexter Clue, but has anyone played the newest version of Operation... with pieces like he/him's aborted fetus, a diabetic toe amputation, slit wrist, sense of humerus, and she/her's micro penis? The Game Ain't the Same Anymore... 

There is always a huge push to support Made in America products, but what we often forget is how much "American Made" costs, and it is reflected in the suffrage of those that helped to build America, and the colors of those efforts splashed within the colors of our flag - the red blood of the Indigenous... the white sweat of slavery... the blue tears of women, all of whom had equal impact on making America the Beautiful.

While the theatrical prequel to Jumanji - Welcome to the Jungle, may have just been the original Jumanji, the ultimate prequel was released nearly some 2000 years prior, and was named JewmanJ - Welcome to the Crucifixion, starring Jesus Christ, and featuring The Rock as Pontius Pilate.

Hey You!... Yeah, You!!! The U.S. doesn't give a crap if you serve in some manufactured war, but what they do NEED is for you to Critically Think... It's Critical! Uncle Sam's life depends on it, more than the cultural manifestation of patriotic emotions, which has ultimately made US soft and irrational.

What up Dog?!?! It is time to be the coolest street cat on the block. Black cats and dogs are less likely to be adopted than those of other coat colors. So how can you help? Not in the sense of Hollywood celebrity trends to pluck an African child from the Mother Land to gain street cred', but if looking to save a pet's life anyhow, don't be a pussy ass bitch - adopt black as BLACK PET LIVES MATTER.

(A)lways (S)acrifice (P)eople. (C)onserve (A)nimals.

Proceeds to be donated to the A.S.P.C.A.

Thre (3) Versions Available

It figures that stick fingers make great stick figures to show how sick and tired, and wired I am as the seconds go tic... tic... tic... BOOM... Oh dear, the birds got spooked and are now flying everywhere. It figures that stick fingers make great stick figures... 

Two Sides of the Same Coin... Both dirty, dull, tarnished and twisted. This coin bears two heads, as the two sides, like politics, is all just a trick. Barry Crimmins said it best: "The two party system just means that the corporations cut two checks instead of one." Collectively, it just MAKES NO CENTS!!!

We The Sheeple of the Divided States, in Order to inform an uninformed delusional union, stab justice in the back, insure domestic abuse, provide for the common "i'm offended" offense, promote the welfare State, and secure the messing of Bibbidi Bobbidi Boobidi Liberty to only our selfish selves and our prosthetic tribal posterity, do ordain and establish this constipated Constitution of Pimpin' Prostitution for the United Snakes of 'Murican't. 

It's National Belly Button Day (6/23). Who knew! While we celebrate the clear binary distinction of an "Innie" or "Outie" as it relates to a belly button, there, not by appearance (or things would be less debatable), appears to be a broader spectrum of options when it comes to one's Pelvy Button. Apparently "Innie" or "Outie" are not defining characteristics to decipher one's gender anymore, and that is why we are hitting the Panic Button on life. 

When Life Gives You... It is all about perspective. You can be the optimist and make lemonade from lemons. Or you can be the pessimist, and reverse engineer the lemonade to be an ugly lemon to give yourself something to continue to complain about. It's all about choice, but either way you look at it, the cup is half... 

Keep your eyes on the game and don't Checker Chessmate! Or, by knight, one of those little wHores are going to capture your King. They may sacrifice a pawn in the process, or distract you with other tricks. Stay focused on the pieces and not the parts, even if they both happen to have moves!

Multiple Choice Question (pick all that apply): Adam & Eve are? A) The factually founded first and second people. B) Historically represent the creation of Earth in ~4004 B.C. C) Proof of evolution by way of incestuous reproduction, whereas subsequent offspring inherited the mutated dumb gene to believe their story as truth D) The byproduct of a storyteller high on Meth. E) A & B. F) C & D. G) All of the above.

If there's something strong, about to hit your neighborhood... Who you gonna call? Not FEMA!

If there something big, and it don't look good... Who you gonna call? Not FEMA!

I'm afraid of this ghost.
I'm afraid of this ghost.

If you're seeing things, flying by your head... Who can you call? Not FEMA!

A Cat 5 Storm, Keeping you up in bed... Ow, who you gonna call? Not FEMA!

I'm afraid of this ghost.
I'm afraid of this ghost.

A.C.A.B.! A.C.A.B.! A.C.A.B.! Stop being such a cancer on society you crabs! ACRAB? Exactly! Are Cops Really All Bad? In comparison to other things? Like... All Cactus Are Bad - those pricks! Or... All Cats Are Bad - a bunch of pussies! Or... All Congressman Are Bad - Congress sure isn't Progress! Being a police officer is a thankless job, but we say Thank You!

Proceeds to be donated to the National Policing Institute.

Four (4) Versions Available

It's exactly 18 months until the next President of the United States is elected... and on the Democrat side, it appears as if incumbent President Joe Biden may stumble into the official nomination. But first, a few Joe Mama Jokes: JOE MAMA SO... ... ... easy there, it's not hard to hit any of many punch lines here.

It's exactly 18 months until the next President of the United States is elected... and on the Republican side, it appears as if it will be a battle between Ron DeSantis and Donald Trump as they vie to take residence at the White House - a perfect home for a bunch of clowns, these days.

Proceeds to be donated to Ronald McDonald House.

I am so sick and tired of getting SPAM! It isn't all flowers, rainbows, and sunshines like a Hawaiian Island, but more volatile like a spewing Volcano. Damn SPAM gets me salty! I wish I could open a can of woop-ass flavored meat-like product and 'Reply All' with an unsolicited offer for can of their own. But that isn't how the cut lines are drawn. So instead we file SPAM in the junk folder.

There has always been the question of which came first: the chicken or the egg? There is only one logical answer that it was the egg, which is the offspring of 2 birds that became what would be known as a chicken.  For example, Hawk + Turkey = Egg, of which a Chicken spawned. But no matter what, even knowing the egg came first, there is no denying that the Rooster has been cuming ever since! Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!

The Rules: The player has to quickly sketch the religious prompt. The person sketching has one minute to draw the indoctrination without using letters or number. If their cult guesses the word, they roll a resurrected die and move around the board. ​​Win if you're the first cult to reach the Finish square and correctly guess all the indoctrinations.

Four (4) Versions Available

Looking back at all the dumb shows that have graced the small screen, one about a talking horse named Mr. Ed was pretty retarded. Well kick off the 'ol horseshoes and walk across some hot asphalt, cause rumor has it that it is getting a reboot, aptly titled Mr. Re-tarred Ed about a black-top talking unicorn stallion. This time though, each episode ends with him in the corner with his horn of a dunce cap reminding him that shows like these are all dead ends.

Hilton Hotels / Hilton Worldwide would like to thank you for staying with us. In association with HNA, our 25% Chinese ownership / management partners since 2016, we would like to request that you PLEASE do not FLUSH FEMININE products or BABY wipes DOWN THE TOILET. Thank You.

Just'in Time For The Weeknd and/or your wife stirring the pot with your ex-girlfriend.  I know she'll be the death of me, at least we'll both be numb. And she'll always get the best of me, the worst is yet to come. I can't feel my face when I'm with you... but I love it... but I love it, oh!

BREAKING NEWS: BERT & ERNIE OF SESAME STREET FAME ARE GAY! Reports have them exiting the closet earlier today wearing jean shorts, crop tops, sweater vests and bikini briefs. We also want to report for those living under a rock: Water. Is. Wet. Reporting Live, this is Captain Obvious; Sesame Street News.

Less than 3 years in, and we have officially hit shirt 200... Hopefully it is a hit, even if we couldn't fit Larry Holmes in the design. With Shirt DK200, we randomly pay homage to some of the coolest Larry's ever to touch down, even if we couldn't fit Larry Fitzgerald in the design. They are all Legends in Leisure Suits, including the Bird Man who was flyer than most.

So we all know what it is called when a garment tucks into the crease of the labia thus mimicking the shape of the hoof of a camel, better known as "Camel Toe". But what happens when "she" is spitting from the long neck, and rather than an inverted garment, there is an apparent bulge? Is that rather referred to as a "Camel Hump"? Well, Camel Menthol Unfiltered Smoke That!

Two (2) Versions Available

Hypocrites Un-Wanted Alive!!! Which is it? Are you for the Sanctity of Life, except when terminating abortionists and executing those sentenced to death row? Or are you all about the right tochoose, terminating the unborn while fighting against the use of the death penalty? Pro Life of the yet to be living? Or Pro Choice for the guilty over innocent?

Build the Wall! Build the Wall! Build the Wall! And now that Lego is manufactured in China, there is no shortage of bricks to constuye el muro so there will be no El Paso anymore. Maybe we'll finally even get Mexlego to pay for it. Separately, I Love Tacos!

As a kid growing up, there was room for only one cartoon in life - South Park. As such, it wasn't until the offspring learned how to pick up a remote and stumbled across this goofy yellow sponge that he started to get some 'spect put on his name. Until then, he was always Contraceptive SpongeBob!

Proceeds to be donated to Planned Parenthood.

We're not being crypto/ic here. Let us be clear in saying: You dumbass block head block chain monkey see monkey doo-doo Chumpanzees... NFT's are Not Fucking Tangible! Congrats, you digital buffoons, on owning a file?!?! Damn we hope your hard drive crashes and you lose your shitcoin too!

This marks the 3rd year that on this day, 12/20, we launch a charity shirt to support things that impact The Cluttered Mind. Year 1 and 2 we threw support towards the Brain and Behavior Research Foundation. This year, we are thinking outside the box and supporting the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. We are forever mindful to thinking of those who struggle day in and day out.

Proceeds to be donated to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-888-273-8255)

Today officially is the last day of Autumn, meaning, by the rotational cycle of Earth, which includes the fictional land of Westeros, that tomorrow, Winter is coming! Damn those Starks of Winterfell were prophetic. Well, you don't have to pull out the thermometers to see it's a bit nipply outside... Just watch Games of Thrones, and you too will know Winter is Cuming!

I would imagine that [C]ha[n]nu[k]ka[h] is not the known miracle of the little bit of oil lasting 8 days, but more so the number of days it took someone to guess the proper spelling of it.  Is it start with a C or CH? Does it have 1 N or 2 N's? 1 K or 2 K's? Does it simply end with A or an AH? Take those candles and light the name on fire!

Overcoming the improbabilities of life is hard enough. Once in a blue moon, you may find the grass greener on the other side of the fence and overcome this adversity. Surely it is never too late, even if you are often close but no cigar. But every now and then, even improbability is improbable, and the chance of something happening can't be achieved until pigs fly out of hell freezing over.

The overlapping stories for messiahs and gods and sons of gods past, turns the pages of folklore and makes Jesus Christ start to look like the blended plagiarized stories of Mithra and Horus... Mythra and Whorus... Myth and Whore... The story of Jesus is simply the stolen stories of a Myth Whore. Amen!

In 2001, for a program on BBC called Son of God, and sponsored by Seico Insurance, Forensic facial reconstructionist Richard Neave, through forensic anthropology, created what he believed Jesus to have looked like. Seems easy enough, just like Jesus herding sheeple... so easy a caveman could do it!

The fairy tale they sell us that Thanksgiving is this pow-wow where the Pilgrims, along side the Indigenous Tribes, ate pie in harmony and lived happily ever after is the Great AmeriCON. It's time to massacre this lie the way the Pilgrims massacred... see you already know the truth.

With Thanksgiving dinner just hours away, we're feeling absolutely Taboolous! We can't wait to talk about all the hot button topics, where there is nothing too risqué to bring up at the table. The fam' better be thankful that we're kicking the convo into high gear before the tryptophan kicks in and Uncle Bill tries to take advantage of everyone once they all pass out. 

As we wake up to stand in line to cast our votes with ashes in the fall and take the power back from those who testify to killing in the name offreedom, we wish that with revolver, we put a bullet in the head of these bulls on parade who keep us with no shelter to sleep now in the fire. We know your enemy, and our enemy too. It's born as ghosts and constructed of machined parts of a broken man. We're just waiting calm like a bomb for the rage day that Democracy decides to say "I'll be back!"

Are you just tired.... Tired or this generation's temper-tantrums? Well, our new TEMPER-PEDIC Mattress puts the "Woke" to sleep. This revolutionary mattress technology relieves condescension and misguided tantrums. And it how comes with a New & Improved Whine resistant cover. It's time for bed time and a good night sleep, you pansy-asses.

Welcome to SHE 101, or better known as Intro to Sexual Health Education. This semester we'll be focusing on the age old question of "How did Baby get in Mommy's Belly?" Get ready to "go deep" as the cycle of life starts here.

That. Is. It.... I'm done with this all. I am so against everything and everyone that I am actually going full circle and am now against being against everything and everyone. Screw all you snowflakes who are always boycotting something. In fact, that seems quite offensive, that I am boycotting boycotting, because shouldn't it be "theycotting"? Call me "Anti-Anti"!

Dick, He's the Bomb, and ready to comb over the details of Trump's 2020 election results and the fuckery the ensued. In the words of the late, great George Carlin: Take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy's dick, you know? Yeah! A bomb in a dick! When it goes off, the guy wouldn't know whether he was coming or going! Dickold Trump, He's the Bomb now!

Also see DK20 For More Dick!

Dick, He's the Bomb, and ready to blow Mickey... we mean blow up Mickey. In the words of the late, great George Carlin: Fuck Mickey Mouse! Fuck him in the ass with a big rubber dick! Then break it off and beat him with it! Dickey Mouse, He's the Bomb now!

Also see DK20 For More Dick!

In today's world, we have to learn to play the cards we're dealt in the metaphorical game of life, or risk losing _______. Anything else would be________ as humans against humanity.

Ten (10) Versions Available

Dr. West is in the building, and it's time he starts to take a dose of his own medicine towards seeking mental wellness. Kanye for President is not a wish to see him rule the free world, but rather for him to be Kanye for Pres(criptions) and take a fucking chill pill with all the crazy shit he has been saying. We missmild delusions of grander Kanye, the College Dropout, who was a genius producer and lyricist. 

Proceeds to be donated to the National Alliance on Mental Illness

This poppy, bubbly, mumbly, bibbidi bobbidi boobidi poopedi hip-hoppedy crap these people who would love to be called "artists" are making needs to get their bubbles popped like bubble wrap. Its gotta be a rap on in... Make it stop!

Totally Taking
Away All of a
Person's
Energy, Emotions Expression Existence...

Forever!

While you can't spell manslaughter without the "laughter," It does make it easier if they're quiet!

Like a wagwan lady man
Tryna suck it to the top
I'm a Thailand boy
I been trying to fake it
Ayy, Seen it with my wang, wang, swing
You just bangged my cane
Norm ain't the same
Dropped a 'lude in yo' wine
Tuck back my Thailand boy
Look like a woman
See me lady boy, gay, Yah
I'm a Thailand boy
I'll pop my breasts out, Yeah!

We understand the ups and the downs of the stock market. We also understand that the "winners" never really "lose" as they just create new opportunities so they are always up. But the part of the stock market that we can't quite get is how these "day traders" who jerk off in mom's basement all think they can be CEO's of million dollar companies. It's some Unbearabullshit!!!

In the 80's there were a number of drug campaigns that D.A.R.E.'d you to get educated on the effects that drugs could have on your life. We learned that frying eggs was akin to your brain on drugs, served best with a slice of toast! We also learned that there is a good chance that Dad was a hypocrite as Son "learned it by watching you." What wasn't learned, even to this day, is that Drugs Aren't Reliable Escapes...

Proceeds to be donated to TheVoicesProject.org

Some settle disagreements with Rocks, Papers, Scissors. Some settle them with more extreme tactics. When those merge, you get Roshambo Gone Wild West. Paper = The Good (Words may or may not hurt, but paper cuts do burn...); Rocks = The Bad (...and while rocks, sticks, and stones may break bones...); Scissors = The Ugly (...Stab someone with scissors, and you'll win every time)! 

On this day, in the year 1999, little Haley Joel Osment saw dead people. He had that magic Sixth Sense. Since then, married life has come and gone for so many of us, although lost during those marital years when we all felt dead, that sixth sense has been found post divorce... So what is that Sixth Sense? It's The Sex Since! I Get Head, People!

Launched two years ago as Dumb Kunst Studios, we've since had to market under Humpty Dumbtees to appease to those who just didn't quite understand Dumb Kunst as a brand name. In that, we felt compelled to have to define Dumb Kunst for those who just can't get it. In traditional dictionary form, we present Dumb Kunst ... defined. Hint: it's a noun!

Whhhheeeeellll oooooffffff Mmiissssssfffooorrrtttuuunnnee. The puzzle is "Before and After". Spin the wheel with today's grand prize being nothing you actually want in life, but what you are assured to get anyways if you sit Pat... Say What, Jack? You may Vanna W, but today you'll have to take an L.

Kingdom Come means Into the Next World. So as we transition time and space, we reflect on ageless works of art who have stood the test of time and still live today. But as Kunst means Art in German, we look at their next sillier iterations as we enter into Kingdumb Kunst!

Welcome to Queen Beach where Queen Bey is on watch. Thank this goddess that she is a lifeguard on duty, even if she puts the wives on guard, and makes our lives hard, leaving us all to just live in a fantasy of seeing her at the beach, in all her hotness! It's Beywatch!

Forget the topic of abortion and this idea that old white men are deciding on legislation that impact a woman's reproductive rights. Small potatoes when we compare that to the big picture of the White Man controlling when you can and cannot cross the street. Stop trying to control us you power hunger White Guys!

While there are the 'Haves' and the 'Have Nots,' there are also the 'Americans' and the 'American'ts.' Eliminating these non-renewable and non-self-sustainable debris items are a must if Earth is going to continue to spin. We must Reuse, Reduce, Recycle American'ts into something more useful to the planet. For the sake of this topic, the Sun revolves around America as the center of its Universe.

There is an uncanny resemblance to a prophet in George Orwell... A bit Georgestradamus like, if you will. His predictive propaganda promoting prophetic premonitions perversely precise, found with 1984 and Animal Farm sort of identifies why today is such a clusterfuck. 4 Legs Good; 2 Lets Better. Big Brother is watching you. Oh well, Orwell! Until they become conscious, they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious.

Two (2) Designs Available

This Father's Day, let us honor those Dad's who are present and there, instead of those who were absent... and absinthe! We lost Dad to the Wormwood and Fennely to Anise, incessantly in incest. We then wound up losing Mom to the wood worm.

Fair Jordan B. Peterson is the MVP - Most Valued Psychologist. After someone yells foul, he leaps from the free throw line and slam dunks reason each time. His mental crossover breaks feeble minds and ankles. When he gets on the court, 12 Rules for Life are Beyond Order as he defies common gameplay and rises above the competition. He is a Champion. 

Ever been to a restaurant and on their menu they had "World Famous ____," or listen to a radio station and their "World Famous ____ Mix"? Have you then ever wondered World Famous to who? Who the hell outside of those who visit that restaurant and/or listen to that station have any clue about what is being called "World Famous". Perhaps the top... most... best... greatest... World Famous Hyperbole!?!?

Although set in the future, when Contra was released back in the late 1980s, there was more than just one enemy they were fighting! The 1980's was a time when men should have been putting on their helmets before shooting their guns to protect the present from the generation of millennial terrorists that would inevitably be....cuuuum... MISSION CONTRA-CEPTION --- FAILED!!! 

A University degree used to carry a lot of weight and distinguished meaning. Today's graduates are more indoctrinated than educated, and form their minds (right or wrong) more from an augmented reality of the anti-social network within the Metaverse. Artificial Intelligence prevails for more people who now receive, with no honor, a degree from The Metaversity of...

Once upon a time, Truth, Facts, Logic, Reality, and Wisdom used to stand out as being obvious. These things were non-debatable. Somehow, over time, those words just began to blur and their definitions became something people felt were open to as much interpretation as the very things these words were meant to identify. Their meanings are now camouflaged... and for that, Wisdom Truth and Facts just leaves us asking WTF?!?! 

Three (3) Versions Available

Are You Ready To Rummmmmbbbblllllllllllllleee? Neil DeGrasse Tyson - aka Orion Mike Tyson - is the Undisputed Mentalweight Champion of the Infinitely Expanding Universe, and He'll Beat Yo' Astrophysics! His ability to explain the most complex of topics is astronomous. His scientific method is impregnable. He's just ferociously smart. He wants your heart to connect to your brain to learn. He wants to eat your children. Okay, that part might not be true, but it is fun to just say. Praise be to Alot... of study.

Proceeds to be donated to National Center of Science Education

I proudly shatter the fragile feelings of sNOwflakes, with the shards of broken ice melting to represent their sweet salty tears. And toughen up you cupcakes, too! We don't want to see your icing start to melt as well, but we'll be more than happy to turn the oven on and finish baking you as well - delicious either way!

Enough is enough! We're tired of all these dicks taking advantage of young women, and making them put their futures on hold to have to raise kids at such a young age. While parenting is meant to be a "team effort," we don't think that is what was meant. We must put a stop to Team Pregnancy once and for all. If you're with us, jump in line to get on that train for doing what's right! 

To save the world from the herds of sheep who follow one another to nowhere, we have to be willing to sacrifice the lambs before they grow to become those sheep. On the flip side, To save the world from the predatory wolves who prey on the weakest, we have to be willing to take them out as well. Locked and Loaded, we've got our crosshairs aimed right.

The tribe has spoken... and Outkast outwits, outrhymes, outspits, outshines everyone else. When they lay it down, our minds warp and bend, float the wind, we count to ten, and dream of a day they may do it again... The best to ever do it, their gameplay is legendary as the rap game Survivors.

Three (3) Print Colors Available

If Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of the festivities, with Palm Sunday and Good Friday sprinkled in before it all cums to a close on Easter Sunday… It turns us on when the “He Is Risen” is used to reference the resurrection of Jesus Christ in the present tense, rather than “He Has Risen”, as if he rises each Easter Sunday for the last 2000+ years… But we’re still waiting for him to cum back just once.

And the angel of the Lord called unto him out of heave, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I. And he said, Thy enjoy a BOGO Special at Banned Parenthood on Post-Term Abortions as thy Lord requested the Godly sacrifice of his 37 year old son, Isaac.

Proceeds to be donated to Planned Parenthood

Very few have the resume of Ricky Gervais… not even Jesus Christ. Ricky Gervais has written hit show and hit show, is one of the funniest comics, rubs elbows with the intellectual crowd, like the likes of Sam Harris, and for Christ Sake, reminded everyone the difference between being an atheist and a believer - just one (1) God. Gervais H. Christ is a God amongst men, if we were to believe in them.

We all know regular Murphy's Law:"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong!"But, what about Eddie Murphy's Law, which was at its full force back in the late 80's and early 90's? The Law States:"Any Joke That Can Be Told, Will Be Told... Even If It's RAWng!" Now in the 2020's, people have gone soft and have become Delirious to think this still shouldn't apply. This is no time to start breaking laws!

It is sooooooo UnMARVELous in Washington D.C., that sometimes, don't you feel like what happens there is right out of a comic book, minus any of the heroism? Zonk! Smack! Wham! Their reality is about as real as a $3 bill. We wonder if anything will ever be accomplished, there, and turn the page to find out. Well... !!!SPOILER ALERT!!!... No! No! Nooooo! Nothing ever does! I mean, why have PROgress, when there's CONgress!

This isn't so much a knock on Morgan & Morgan as it is the legal process that rewards lawyers for their mere power of persuading a "a group of our peers" who couldn't ideally tell their asses from their elbows. In divorce, the saying goes "The only one to win in divorce is the lawyer". Speaking from experience, I felt like I had to "Mortgage An Organ" to afford my attorney, to still then have to pay an ex-wife what felt like a kidney, liver, and heart. Morgan & Morgan, who are personal injury attorneys at their core, are merely the casualty of having a firm name and slogan that played into the shirts message. He actually does somewhat amazing things for the State of Florida, and surely we need all the help we can get!

Proceeds to be donated to the Florida Rights Restoration Coalition

Richard Pryor is Guilty of being one of the best comedians to ever do it. His offenses, which would be worse today, are: 
* First degree homicide with deadly humor
* First degree voluntary mans-laughter
* 2nd degree arson of blazing saddles
* Felony of being brutally honest and funny while being black in the 1970's and 80's

For those crimes, we hereby sentence Richard Pryor to Life in the Comedy Hall of Fame!

Sometimes in life, for no particular reason, you run back and forth across America, and simply just decide to stop when Shit Happens. Sometimes life is really like a box of chocolates, as you really don't know what you're gonna' get. But when you think you're so low you gotta look up to look down, beat yourself hard on the foot with a stick for a while. At least you will feel better when you stop.

Proceeds to be donated to Feeding America

In 4th place at this weekend's Mar-A-Lago Classic, Happy Gilmore is on the 8th green putting for birdie.  Ohhh, he comes up just short of the cup. Wait, he's on his hand and knees whisper yelling at his ball. "Why don't you just go home? That's your home! Are you too good for your home? Answer Me! Suck My White Ass Ball!"

Contestant 3: Quagmires for $400

Alex Trebek: It Works 80% of the time, 100% of the time.

Contestant 2: What is Birth Control?
Contestant 1: What are Sending Thoughts & Prayers?
Contestant 3: What is Giving 110%?

Alex Trebek: That is the correct answer!

The mean Queen once told the Hand of the King that "When You Play the Game of Thrones, You Win Or You Die... There Is No Middle Ground!" Sounded like a modern day baking commercial to us. Could have / should have been "When You Play the Game of Loans, You win Or You Die..." as you either pay them off or die trying, with the only one's ever winning being the perpetual interest collectors.

From the mean hardened slums of being a classically defined Mediterranean Ave Male or Baltic Ave Female, all the way around the spectrum board to parking as a Park Place Non-Binary Transgender or walking the Boardwalk as a Tri-Gender, Generopoly allows people of all orientations and pronoun preferences to play. 

So let me start right here, at Start, by saying... Yahtzee! You're in Trouble for taking a Risk at the Game Of Life. This isn't Operation Mousetrap! You only get Uno Taboo Clue to Guess Who or you'll be Sorry! Win & Lose"... or is it "Win Or Lose"? Doesn't matter... Quite frankly, I'm so bored of the Games! 

In your most tragic of moments, We want you to know that we are sending you our thoughts and prayers. We are not lifting a finger outside of moving them from keyboard key to keyboard key in sending you those warm wishes, as those alone should heal whatever you are going through. Screw charity, time, financial assistance, or any of the other things that gets classified in the "actually do something" category of helping. Now, won't you send us your heartfelt thoughts and prayers for our success, rather than actually purchasing a shirt as those Thoughts and Prayers mean so much more! WE STAND WITH YOU in Solidarity, While you struggle with your current state of reality... Best of Luck with that!

Yesterday Russia engaged in the expected engagement of invading Ukraine. Vladimir Putin chugged his Monster Energy Drink, instantly transforming him into The Red Bull Un-Super Non-Hero, and he flew right into the Ukrainian china shop to wreak havoc. While Red Bull, the drink, might give you wings... Vladimir Putin, The Red Bull, will happily cut them off.

It has been 10 years since she 'Last Wanted to Dance with Somebody.' 'How Will I Know?' Because although 'Didn't We Almost Have it All,' her 'The Greatest Love of All' was the thing 'I Will Always Love You:' Crack Cocaine, and she was on a Diet of it until she 'Exhale (Shoop Shoop)' for the last time! 'So Emotional'... 'Where Do Broken Hearts Go' 'When You Believe' 'One Moment In Time!' 'It's Not Right, But it's Okay'... 'I Have Nothing.'  

Ever try to ponder what Eternal Damnation even means? The first reference of Hell was 725 AD. Does that mean for about the last 1300 years, crappy people have had a head start on an Inferno based Infinite Punishment for Eternity? So for everyone else who got a ticket on the Highway to Hell afterwards, I guess it could have been worse - Just ask the Originals. To Sinfinity and Beyond! 

On this date in history, Christopher Maurice Brown put hands on Robyn Rihanna Fenty in all the worst ways. Rather than delicately massaging her sexy caramel skin, he Boom Boom Powed her with fists, leaving her Black Eyed and without a bag a Peas to help with the swelling. RiRi, we'd never treat you this way. As for Chris Brown, dude somehow is still a Hit with the Ladies, especially in Miami as of late!

Proceeds to be donated to The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

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Lindsey Graham Cracker... The perfect treat to accompany a sweet glass of South Carolina Sweet Tea. But No sMore, please - even if he loves to cram marshmallow between his crisp crackers and then finish it by licking the gooey chocolate off... all from within his secret pantry closet we all know he hides in! Damn Hypocrite has been bought with real USA Government Money, making him less sweet than being made with Real Honey.

After the abduction, I must have been in a coma, as the comma fell off the back end of that "shit" and things took on a whole other meaning. Quite literally, that flying shit had a halo around it, and it just sucked the life out of man as we knew it. Holy Shit, That Sucks Man!

Today, the Legend M.-Mother-Fuckin'-S.H., or My Super Hero, would have turned 75 years of age. A few days ago marked 3 years since my old man passed away. The best part of running a shirt company is getting designs made to pay homage to anything we want. Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad... but a Legend like M.S.H. to be a Mother-Fucker in only the best ways... Literally as the #1 Inseminator of my Mom. It takes a Legend to make a Legend!

It's a tough job, but somebody needs to do it! If there was only a group of individuals willing to kick down doors to rid us of the bad guys. ...If only! In the meantime, it's Some What A Travesty we can only sit and ponder who those underpaid and otherwise thankless amazing people might be, over a cold one, here, at the Door Kickers Inc. Brewing Company.

--- a DKI Exclusive Design

The word "Entitlement" is a funny one, and its intention depends on who is accusing the other end of the socio-economic spectrum of being "Entitled." The Upper Class blame the poor while the Lower Class blame the rich.  In the end, the Middle Class has to work twice as hard to support them both. We're just the Assholes, getting fucked, in the middle of this Venn diagram of clASS Entitlements.

Forget MAGA! How about MAWA - Make Americans Work Again! Once upon a time when America had low employment numbers, it was because there simply were no jobs to have. Today, employment numbers are low simply because these lazy BUMS don't want to work. Belligerent Unemployed Moochers Since '19! Get an F'in Job!

Today marks one year that Joe Biden has been President... and... well... What the hell has he done?!?! 365 Days to accomplish just about nothing! Let's be clear, Dumb Kunst / Humpty Dumbtees hates both parties equally... We come from the place of no party affiliation. With that, people hated Trump for what he did. People hate Biden for everything he isn't doing. Joe... You Blow... Do Your Job... You Blow Job!

We may have one upon a time been a Hasbro (or Hassis for gender equality). But brothers and sisters and those in-between, today, we're all just a bunch of Hasbeens. We use to have great toys, but now, all we're left with is the nostalgia of them all as each one becomes a villain of itself for unreasonable reasons, and we're left tell the stories of yesterday when the times were better... different. Mr. Potato Head has his sad face on.

While "Always Low Prices, Always" can easily equate to "Save Money"... the "Live Better" is totally questionable as have you seen the characters who frequent that place. Thus, we present Dumbart, to highlight the eclectic beauty of those "special" shoppers. At Dumbart, we offer "Greater Goods for the Lesser Evil... Always!"

When progress becomes congress, and forwards becomes backwards, we evolve in a circle, making our development a revolution in all the wrong forms of the word. We have peaked as species, and we now return to previous iterations of ourselves as we devolve forward, towards idiocracy. All praise be the prophet Luke Wilson. 

Another year around the sun.
Another cognitive shirt just for fun.
A prerequisite critical thinker.
Who's brain is just a tad bit pinker.
Ready for a battle worth fought.
Neuron cannon blasting thoughts.
Explosive detonation, mind blowing.
Knowledge, all worth knowing.

Proceeds to be donated to the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation.

Best. Business. Model. Ever! Present the business as if it a true non-profit, so that people just hand over their used goods, building up a free inventory for them to sell for profit. Better is their mission of being operated by the communities they serve by providing 1000s of jobs. No. Shit! So does every other business in the world who has employees.

Maury Povich doesn't even know who the father is on this one! Approach with caution. Extremely High Voltage. Sparks may fly if the truth is revealed. And who are those 3 wise men who came out of nowhere. Maybe one of them is the father? Would be wise to not say anything if so. Stranger Danger in the Manger! 

WANTED: John the Pawn. Dead or Alive. $1 Million Reward

RANSOM: $1 Mil for Mean Queen, or Off with her Head, Dead.

PROPAGANDA: King Best. Ruling One Move At a Time.

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Once the King of Hearts, he didn't know how play the cards he was dealt, and more so, didn't know how to deal once he found out his queen went aces wild and split deuces. Thus, he decided to fold and inevitably became the Suicidal King... and now the King is Dead.

It is sooooo cool that fortunately, Pistol Whip comes locked and loaded and ready to serve. You can't go wrong with Pistol Whip. Well, while you can't go wrong, someone else might not feel the same way - with the cherry on top dripping blood down their brow. Vengeance never tasted so good!

Today marks the 20th Anniversary of 9/11. Each of us who was alive that day likely remembers where they were and what they were doing when we heard the news that America was under attack. Most memorable was where our President was and what he was doing (and not doing), during the attacks and in the immediate aftermath. Unlike DK117: Blueberry Pancakes, there are more questions that still exist than truthful answers. Never Forget 9/11 and those who perished that day, and the thousands of soldiers who were lost in fighting an American manufactured enemy as a result... But also Never Forget to keep Asking Questions. At some point, someone will have to answer for it!

Proceeds to be donated to Tuesday's Children

"Great Scotts!" "If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit." "I guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet. But your kids are gonna love it." "This is heavy." "Hello? Hello? Anybody home?"

Flat Earthers from around the globe, join us for our monthly meetings to discuss Flat Earth and other global conspiracies at IFLOP*, where you can also enjoy all-you-can-eat Blueberry "Flat-Jack" Pancakes for just $7.99†. Meetings are the 3rd Tuesday of each month, at 8 p.m. Local Time.

* IFLOP - International Flat Looking Orbital Planets
† Disclaimer: Blueberries are spherical.

Want to come over to Netflix & Chill? Door will be unlocked... Just walk in! We'll have a killer good time. If looks could kill, you're killing me softly. I'd kill for an opportunity with you. Let's give this thing a stab. And at the end of the night when I lean in for a kiss, I go for the kill - the kiss of death! You'll be blown away. I kill them with kindness. Wanna watch?

It's often Untold that Public Transportation is a hit when it runs properly. There's nothing better than buses and trains showing up on time! And Caitlyn Jenner, a former bunch of things, including a track and field gold medalist, knows something about both running hard, and transportation, having a gold medal in vehicular manslaughter.

Growing up we soooooo Totally Recall the scene with the three breasted lady.  That scene was 50% better than any other scene ever! We also, otherwise, totally recall the rest of the movie being just ahhh... Not good... Not bad... but definitely not worthy of a reboot, or so we totally recall thinking so, even if still with a three breasted lady in it.

Today is National Presidential Joke Day... but aren't they all? It's unBEARable and we can't take it anymore! They all want to come off cute and cuddly like they are our friends and here for the American people.  But make no mistake about it, they will rip your throats out at first chance. Democrats, those Pander Bears vs Republicans, those Scare Bears. It's all just grizzly to us!

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Football season is upon us, and then so comes the Tomfoolery of anyone thinking they will out-duel the G.O.A.T.  He's old as hell, making him more like everybody's favorite Uncle Tom as he continues to defy Father Time. And he and his Brady Bunch of Offensive weapons are set to once again bring the Ruckus to allllllll you's motherfuckers.  SIDE NOTE: Go Browns! Trying to ride them from their 1-15 and 0-16 seasons at the bottom, all the way to the top.

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Get the inside scoop on dealing with morons, idiots, buffoons, and of course dummies! Packed with tons of tips for everyone to get a participation trophy, or better, be a winner of a Darwin Award... Dummy! It's a reference for the dummies, about dummies, by a not so dummy, you moron. Just Ask Me!

There is something a little off about the color names, making them a bit more crayOFFs than crayONs. These are our Colors of Chaos, each coloring just out side the lines of traditional naming parameters... They toe that crayon line just close enough to be that much more awesomer! 

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It's time to get the vision checked, as we seem to have lost the ability to see through everyday nonsense, and instead truth and facts just appear as blurs. Put the glasses on so you can clearly see that Real Eyes Realize Real Lies - That's the 20/20 Perfect Vision. 

People = Shit, and thus "We The People" continue to vote in Shitty Clown after Shitty Clown to run our country. Well, it will spell the End of Everything in due time, because they are all wrong, fucked and overrated... and we think we're going to be sick and it's your fault as they are SlipkNOT our Presidents!

Once upon a time, Earth's continents were merged as once, known as Pangaea. Today, with continents split apart, so are our feelings about and outlooks on this Pandemic. As such, we are at complete RISK of allowing COVID to have Global Domination over all of us.

Think masks are stupid and an infringement of your rights, and those that wear them are fools? OR... Think that those who refuse to wear a mask are buffoons and an obstacle to the world's overall health? In any case, It's No COVIDcidence that you can take our lives, but you can't take our FREEDUMB!

So Cubans and BLM are clashing heads over a stance that BLM took about how Cubans' oppression is solely tied to the hands of the American Political Devil enforcing an embargo, but nothing at all to do with an oppressive militant dictator that set a tone for his people from decades past. Sit back with a glass of Lemonado and follow La Impresión Azul as these "Revolutionary" voices flex their power couple muscles and try to resolve this misunderstanding - although it could be both a Gift and a Curse... Presenting Jay & Bey Guevara!

Proceeds to be donated to Cuba Libro - Havana

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Every day I wake up
With a feeling in my gut
Of those rich fingers aroma
The best part of waking up
It's the doo-wop doo-wop
In all my poo
The intestinal grown aroma
Always commin' through
Oh the best part of waking up
Is with with fingers in your butt!

Savor the fresh crude aroma, especially if that butt is Columbian grown!

Not that anyone has asked us to... but if they were to ask us to "STOP!" making amazing, thought and dialogue provoking, top quality t-shirts that POP! your mind... our only and final answer would simply be FUKNO! We'd even double down by suggesting they Collect Them All! 

And this is why nobody trusts the legal system as it is all about negotiations and technicalities. The idea that Bill Cosby could make a deal for criminal immunity so to testify in his civil case, and thus he walks free, albeit after the fact, because of said deal, after confessing to his crimes of drugging and raping women... means not that the Justice system is blind... but that there just simply is no Justice. Maybe the Shark from DK101: Break Their Jaws should be let to eat Lady Justice after all.

Proceeds to be donated to RAINN - Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network

Smelling blood in the water since 1776, we disclaim that you are swimming at your own risk with these Political Sharks. And as you are taught to punch the shark in the snout to deter them, sure wish the same could be done to politicians so they stop trying to take bites out of our laws.

It's Independence Day, and the launch of Humpty Dumbtees' / Dumb Kunst Studios' 100th T-Shirt design. Luckily, we have the freedom to Keep it 100 - All. The. Time. We celebrate having the Independence to have Zero. Fucks. To. Give. Note: 100 designs in less than 1 year of operation. We're like surgeons with a scalpel, and this brand is giving everyone lobotomies for years to come. You're welcome!

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We've got 99 Problems, but being called a Racist ain't 1. You see, one can't be called a Racist if they hate ALL humans equally, as then it isn't about the superiority of one race over another. If there was a race to the finish line, all humans are tripping on the idea of how to get there first, rather than what needs to be done for everyone to win. And for that, we are running from the Human Race rather than with it.  

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Everyone knows a Turtle Puss - someone with a mean armor tested rugged outer shell (Hard Exterior), but just a delicate sweet little flower on the inside (Soft Interior). They may want to be called a Snapping Turtle to be more fierce, but there is no denying Turtle Puss just is what it is... Moist!  

While San Diego can "Stay Classy", let's have Florida, America's Big Limp Dick, "Stay Flaccy." There's no time for Florida to get all hard on America. I mean, there are shootings there day in and day out. The last thing we need is it shooting its load all over the rest of the country.

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Hear? No! See? No! Speak? No! Now that seems pretty damn Evil! To all the Hell In Keller, what did this women do to deserve this? But she wasn't monkeying around. Somehow she learned the manual alphabet, how to read braille, and how to read lips all absent of the ability to hear and see? Sounds like the Devil's magic at work! 

Honestly, you have to be pretty high to believe in the universal concept of cryptocurrency, a digital "hocus-pocus" monetary system for which its value is 100% based on its hype. Some stoner rolled up a fat crypy blunt, said there would be 21 Million hypothetical coins, for which there is no real tangible goods or services to wrap full value around, and poof. Sounds like some dog shit to me, except you can tangibly step in that. 

We must confess that all this talk of chastity and abstinence and sacrifice of temptation has us all hot and bothered. Sister, please! I'd Pope you would respect the privacy. Who the Father is, quite frankly is Nun of your business. But we've all heard the story of who the Son is. That might in fact be the Holy Spirit!

On June 11, 1963, a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk, Thick Quang Duc, lit himself ablaze in protest of the Vietnamese's treatment of Buddhist Monks. Fast forward to present day where one might feel similar to the worlds assault on its people by way of the commodity of gasoline prices. We're imMOBILized to do much about it, and so for that, Deatholium Gasolive can go to sHELL.

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Fred the Baker has a way to fill both the hole in your donut and the hole in your heart. Don't get jelly about it! Put your blind faith in this little Munchkin of a man, Fred Christ, and he'll reward his loyal followers with a Jelly Stigmata of your own.

Tried all those other fad diets and just not happy with the results? Well, drink Milk, but don't cry over it if spilt. Lose 135-180 lbs of dead weight, depending on your preference. Shed that person from your life, become single and feel free again. While they may be "Lost", we wouldn't say that they are "missing." Now, go and Milk This/These ___!!!

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Our parents raised us right. We were taught good manners. This virtue is woven tightly into our very being - it is stitched directly into our moral fiber. It is the fabric that makes us who we are. With that... PLEASE Go Fuck Yourself, Eat Shit and Die, and Drown in Your River of Tears. THANK YOU! 

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We searched high and low and eventually found this beloved icon, for whom we also spent our yesteryears endlessly looking for him then too, ironically. As we caught up with Waldo - homeless, on the streets, and robbed of his royalties - let us answer... Where's Waldo Now?

Called a "Sea Cow," we can only imagine how delicious it must be once you get through the layer of fat. A ManaT-Bone must be so tender... We'll round out this blurb, and flank this taboo topic by saying we're Florida boys and we love our Manatees. No animals were harmed in the production of this design. Now, put a fork in it cause we're done! Bon Appétit.

Launching on Mother's Day, which ironically is on a Sunday - the one day Chick-Fil-A is closed, Fil-A-Chick is the cumsummate way in which one becomes a mother, literally. No "Fil-A-Chick" means no baby. No baby means no Mother's Day. And how else are you suppose to show your mom how much you love her than with this shirt?

Really no need for an elaborate or creative blurb for this one. DK = Donkey Kong. DK = Dumb Kunst. Perfect excuse to make a simple t-shirt design. Princess Pauline approves!

Jackasses are stubborn to the point they don't realize they are hurting themselves. They want to give the herder the benefit of the doubt, but then get rid to their death. Just need to dangle a carrot in front of it, and it will happily trot to its demise. Well, they can take their perception of "freedumb" and shove it up their... 

RRRRAAAAIIIIIDDDDD!!!

Rudy Giuliani is that cockroach that just won't die. Resilient pest who can fit through the tightest cracks and weasel his way around all environments. Well, on 4/28/21, the exterminator truck that looks like an exterminator truck but really has FBI agents inside, really had FBI agents inside it, and they came in to squash this bug once and for all... Maybe. We know this roach always finds a way to survive.

While the tequila might give you the mouth diarrhea, this Cinco de Mayo may you say "No Mas" to the "No ass vomits" and Taco Hell No.  It's Nacho year, esse'!

While Johnson & Johnson are both busy making COVID vaccines, we need someone to cover the first aids kit market, and I don't mean giving underage girls their first STD, you sickos. Thus, we present PEDOcure - For when a boot stomp just isn't enough to rid the world of its worst people... Sometimes you need a faulty security camera and some hush money to do the job - just ask Jeff Epstein.  Wait. You can't. He's dead. We're PEDOcured!

It's a race! It's a chase! Hoping they get punched right in their face!
Who will win? We probably know! Who ever yells the loudest and with the most vitriol.
Angry Angry Hypocrites... Open up and there it goes!
Angry Angry Hypocrites... Lost their marbles and it shows!
Angry Angry Hypocrites... Yelling nonsense at their foes!
Hungry Hungry Hippo-crites... Easily distracted by their nose!

Arthur Dales believed that Babe Ruth was an alien.

     - Agent Mulder

"Please explain to me the scientific nature of the whammy." "I don't have time for your convenient ignorance." "Nothing happens in contradiction to nature." "I am not going to ask you if you just said what I think you just said." "The truth is out there, but so are lies."

     - Agent Scully

The animals, the animals
Trapped, trapped, trapped 'till the cage is full
The cage is full
But he can't breathe
Knee on his neck, air is what he needs
The light was on but now it's off
Verdict is in, and we've had enough 
The sun is out, the day is new
Chauvin's getting locked up, and they're waiting on you
And you've got time
And you've got time

We knew Patrisse Khan Cullor's Blatant Lies & Manipulation was going to Patrisse Con Colors out of $Millions$ only to promote PLM (Patrisse's Life Matters). While we fully support the BLM Movement, we want no part of the BLM Organization as their Bullshit Looking Methods have Patrisse living large from any of her newly purchased homes. #BlackLivesMatter! And because of that...

Proceeds to be donated to the National Urban League.

Maybe it once was Barnum's Animal Crackers, but this shit show is a different kind of circus. Meth and moonshine for Jimmy Crack Corn and I Don't Care... those hillbilly backwood Cracka' Ass Crackas! They're just a bunch of animals!

Sometimes less is more.
Three lines can say all you need.
Happy Haiku Day!

Can Alimony Really Lesson Anguish?
Money Always Rottens Individual Entitlement.
Look, Obviously People Exploit Systems!

If only Divorce and Alimony were packaged like a comic strip, maybe it would be easier to laugh off.  Until then, KABOOM! ZONK! POW!

People in the media grew up in the Northeast and can't comprehend the notion that there are people who like to go out to the clay pits and shoot and, afterward, go eat fried chicken [and trade sex with 17 year olds for dinner and hotel stays, and offer to give the President hand jobs... but its only gay if he enjoys it, right?!?!].

      - Matt Gaetz 

* It says it on the internet so it must be true -- the basis for every theory ever proposed by QAnon and perpetuated by its followers, including Matt Gaetz!

While "when life officially begins" is disputed, there is no debating when it ends. How it ends though, is still an open topic. At least we won't go out without guns blazing as We The People Conceal Carry Full Term! You won't be aborting our 2nd Amendment Right to Bear Arms anytime soon. Or at least if you do, you'll be prying that definition of life out from somebody's cold dead hands.

You might blow a gasket on the big block to understand Stephen Hawking's Fast & Furious Universe. Don't end up in a black hole, trying to put the cheap gas in the tank... Requires the high octane good stuff to power up one of the smartest men to ever roll on this planet.

The IRS is the epitome of the American Standard of governmental agencies. They call them tax codes because you need a special decoder ring to decipher them all. Except in this case, special would refer to finding whole kernels of undigested corn in your poop. Surprise! Just hurts the belly thinking about the Department of Turdsury, and all the loopholes one could make with your intestines.

Also, it is no mistake that shitty Florida State Seminole colors were chosen to showcase this design. Throw FSU in the toilet too, cause when you flush, the water cyclones like a Miami Hurricane.

Trying not to shoot ourselves in the foot while feeling under the gun to get something done, we were locked and loaded when we chose our weapon, took aim, and pulled the trigger while taking a shot at addressing gun violence and mass shootings by way of a creative t-shirt design. This was not a shot in the dark attempt. Being the straight shooters that we are, clearly, we stuck to our guns in its messaging. Hopefully though, we dodge a bullet from those sons of a gun who don't see the bigger picture through the optics of the scope. Bullseye!

Proceeds to be donated to National Compassion Fund

Passed March 26, 1790, The 1790 Naturalization Act was intended to prevent Chinese immigrants, along with other foreign-born people of color from becoming U.S. citizens. The process of naturalization to U.S., citizenship was to be restricted to free white persons (excluding indentured servants from Europe). Consequently, the 1790 Naturalization Act was widely used as legislation to exempt certain groups of Asian immigration up until the early 1950′s.

      - TimeToast.com

Knock. Knock.
     Who's There?

Racism.
     Racism Who?

Exactly! Racism Isn't Real...

Ha. Who are we kidding?

Love,
White Santa, White Easter Bunny, White Leprechaun, White Tooth Fairy

Proceeds to be donated to Comic Relief's Red Nose Day Initiative

We are the Mighty Mansons,
Helter Skelter in the West.
We’re slashing on to victory,
We may even kill all the rest.

We are the Mighty Mansons,
Triumphant evermore.
You can hear screams from far and near,
The gasps of a whore's roar!

U! (3 claps)
C! (3 claps)
L! (3 claps)
A! (3 claps)

U-C-L-A! Fight! For Your! Life!

Their job is to help people, particularly girls (not to be confused with the Boy Scouts who lack identity), feel beautiful and NOT judged, especially if their bodies do not fit in to the variety of cookie molds. This is the mission of the SuicideGirlscouts.

Proceeds to be donated to Local South & Central Florida Girl Scout Troops

Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies... so many options to pick.
$5 a box or a nickel bag, get fresh baked daily without the stems, seeds, and sticks.
We've been dealing since 1917, helping stoners get their munchies fix.
Its a community service we provide. Now give me my vest badge you pricks. 

Proceeds to be donated to Local South & Central Florida Girl Scout Troops

Here are a few Things 1 and Things 2 we thought you Cindy Lou Who Knew...

Like how The Cat in the Hat ate Red Fish / Blue Fish, in spite of the Grinch's wish, and rather than Green Eggs and Ham, like Sam I Am, that sick little bitch.

And that The Lorax on Borax, high on his trees, Pulled a Wocket from his Pocket, gave Horton a red rocket, and finished him off from his knees.

Let's be Crystal Pepsi here... we mean Coke Clear - and not the product rolled out in Japan back in 2018... In an effort to "fight racism", the Coca-Cola Company offered a corse encouraging their employees to be "less white".  Coke Clearly didn't get their own memo.  We don't mean to be grizzly about this, but we're fighting this topic from polar ends, to the Max Headroom, against the idea that if it ain't white, it ain't Sprite.

Only Progressive gives you the option to name your price.  Convenience fees may apply as Progressives pick $15 as price of minimum wage, but $0 for the price they want to pay for any service as they expect everything for FREE.  Karen calls 9-1-1, but then bullshit.

Transformers
More than meets the eye
Transformers
Robots in disguise
Transformers
They could be girls or guys
Transformers
Led by Optpenis Prime
Transformers

I pledge allegiance to the Chinese sewn fabric representing the ideals of yesteryears of today’s United Snakes of America, and to the Republic for which some stand, some kneel, but everyone yells foul, one nation, under a rock and in a bubble, super divisible, with liberty and justice for all those that agree with me, only.

Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, donít even know a word yet, just a little infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent... in your golden fleece diapers with your tiny, little fat balled up fists... Repent, and believe in the Gospel. Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return. Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon' get bumpy!

Smuggy Day.
Scram, Piss Off, and go away!
On my way to where my folding chair is sweet.
Can you tell me how to get...
How to get to Anti-Social Street?

Don’t come and play.
Everything’s not A-OK!
In my safe space, Damn it, that’s where we'll meet.
Can you tell me how to get...
How to get to Anti-Social Street?

When the movie sucks that bad, it's No Wonder Women only make $0.84 on the dollar. Don't get your panties in a bunch. We don't really believe this - that women are worth less, not that the movie completely sucked balls, for that it did!

Welcome to White House Football! Tonight's matchup pits two of the league's most prolific teams against one another. The defensive strong Stealers, led by Joe Biden vs. the league's top offensive minded quarterback in Donald Trump, and his Patriots. It will be a battle of the old aged, for the ages, for which no one really wins.

Product Description: Horibol Gunniebear Candy is soft bodied, grizzly / chewy, and "see right through you" translucent. And they are hypocritically bursting with beary yummy flavor all over the face of [enter taboo group here]. Horibol Gunniebears are a mixed delight of white/pride, green/envy, yellow/flags, orange/idols, and red/blood gunnie bears that (N)ormalize (R)hetoric (A)lways in the effort of Making America German Again.

Yogurt: I am the keeper of a great power, a power known throughout the universe as the.... the Force?... No, the Schulz!

A joke is just a paintbrush. It takes someone funny to paint something beautiful.

-- Andrew Schulz

Never underestimate the power of the Schulz.

The tendency is to erase brands that one might not agree with.  They do something you don't like, and Poof... CANCELLED!!! Hey, it's your right not to support anything you don't want to.  However, so is it ours to cancel you fucking overly sensitive "i'm offended" vultures of a culture.  Poof... CANCELLED!

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“I sense there’s something in the wind, that feels like tragedy’s at hand. And though I’d like to stand by him, can’t shake this feeling that we have. The worst is just around the bend,  and does he notice my feelings for him? And will he see how much he means to me? I think it’s not to be.”

- Sally

Good luck to the next 4 years America!

"I'm not a prude, I'm just highly sensitive". "You're a virgin who can't drive." "My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls are flying at my nose." "I had an overwhelming sense of ickiness." ... and before we get accused of being Clueless ourselves, YES, we know that's Maya Rudolph.  Pulled the good 'ol Pelosi thumb trick on you all.  Go choke on a cucumber!... "Whatever!"

It was all a dream. I used to read Word-Up Magazine. Dr. Martin Luther King was a lyricist machine.  Hitting 1963, his speech was all about his dream of equality.  King Recognize King... Vice Versa Verse of the Century. 

Now comes, my fellow Trumpers, the do'ers of my speech.
These fools are rare beyond compare, and some ran out of reach.
But there's no doubt I'd go without, a million votes from each.
For one small mite. One tiny bite. From my second impeach!

Spin-off and enjoy this scripted drama, focused on crimes against the most unlikely of victims - the privileged white male.  Blue lives matter only when they feel victimized.  Otherwise they'll bleed republican red to their deaths, demanding their Law & Order.  Grab your popcorn for the bloodshed!

Don't get it twisted... White folk who use the n-word will get punched in the face. Dude in the Ohio convenience store learned that first hand... the one that was smacking him across the face with a can of Twisted Tea.

He'll fight for freedom!
Wherever there's trouble
GI Joe Rogan is there!

GI Joe Rogan, A Real American Hero
GI Joe Rogan is there!

Proceeds to be donated to Fight for the Forgotten

Sign it all in the palm of my hand
Nothing gonna get in the way
Do you understand
I got a house
I got a jet
I got a Rolls Royce painted blue
The only thing that's leftIs for me to own you too.

     - WARRANT

Two (2) Versions Available

2020 was unanimously voted DK1's WORST. YEAR. EVER.  Does anything else even need to be said about it?  Let's move on.... Fast!!!  

Sure is perfect weather for some Hot Chocolate.  Our favorite is Miss Siss, Halle Berry! Both one bad ass hot sista' and "Mrs." wifey material.  We'd love for her to keep us warm this winter, but brrrrrr, reality is cold!

Welcome to Little Beach, where if you find yourself drowning, we'll be more than happy to simply remind you that Life's Hard.  Its our Lifeguard Motto... Little Bitch!

Presenting. Inventing. I'm venting my thoughts.
On ideas that appeal to the skeptics at heart.
Two hemispheres, both as sharp as a dart.
My left brain knows math, while my right brain knows art.

                      - LQMX 

Proceeds to be donated to the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation.

If Supreme is that awesome, why the hell didn’t they think of this?!?!  They can throw their logo on a hammer, cinder block, or whatever other useless items they want, but how did they not collaborate on a Taco… Supreme? Fucking Dumb Kunsts!

THIS DESIGN HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED DUE TO CLAIMS OF INFRINGEMENT. CLEARLY, THEY WEREN'T TOO FOND OF OUR PARODY!!!

Dude. Super Mario turned 35 years old this year.  Bro. No way! Yes way, Dude. Pass me a power-up mushroom, and lets Bowser a pipe till we fly high like Raccoon Mario. And Bro, order a pizza from Luigi’s. I’ve got the munchies. Me too, Dude!

The first coming of Jesus has been documented and followed by the masses for the past 2000+ years. But while the world awaits the Rapture, the second coming of Christ may have already happened… on Mary Magdelin’s lower back. His pull-out game was on point! Jesus is coming …grab a towel!

Kwanzaa is the celebration of the first fruits of the harvest. And with any celebration, Cheers Up! It’s easy to do when you can ferment those first fruits into amazing beverages to cheers with. But head the warning signs in KanzAA’s name: Don’t drink the first harvest, responsibly.

Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,  Jackie Chan forged his out of clay. And when it’s dry and ready, Then Jackie Chan will start to play.

Jackie Chan had a lovely body, With legs so strong and thin. But now when he gets tired, He’ll kick your ass to win.

Jackie’s many days of candle lighting of the menorah, Coincides with the many ways you can spell [C]ha[n]nu[k]ka[h]

So you think you can simply ask Santa to bring you something and there wouldn't be a price to pay for it? On the contrary! There is no coincidence that Santa and Satan wear red and live in polar opposite weather conditions. Don’t get it mixed up… Or do for that matter, with the letters in their names. When you make a deal with the devil, Satan's contract has a Santa’s Clause.

Every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen. In the goddamn refrigerator. Eatin’ up all the food. All the chitlins… All the pig’s feet… All the collard greens… All the hog maws. I wanna eat them chitlins… I like pigs feet.         

- Thank Goodness for Mr. Jones from Friday!

Birds of a feather stick together in legendary status.  Speaking of sticks… Sticks and stones may break your bones, but birds will never hurt you... except that dagger they stab you with when they nail the game winner.  We’ll say it again - Legends!

Two (2) Versions Available

Hey you cool cats and kittens. Just stoppin’ on in to tell you all to “Smile Bitch!”.

- Your’s truly, That Bitch…

Twenty-Two U.S. Military Veterans commit suicide each and every day.  Tens of thousands of them sleep homeless, and hundreds of thousands battle with mental illness while we civilians wave our flags in pride but leave those that fought to protect that flag to struggle.  Stop being a fake patriot and fight to protect their survival at home, for they fought to protect our freedoms abroad.  We may be a bunch of Dumb Kunst, but we honor, respect, and support our Troops with actual action.  You should start doing the same!

Proceeds to be donated to Mission 22

Hi, can I start you off with something to drink?

I’ll have a Coke, please.

Sorry, we proudly serve Ameri-Cola here.  Been doing so since 1776.

Perfect.  I’ll have that!  Thank you for your service.

Proceeds to be donated to Mission 22

"What you lookin’ at? You all a bunch of fuckin’ assholes. You know why? You don’t have the guts to be what you wanna be?... You need people like me so you can point your fuckin’ fingers and say, “That’s the bad guy.” So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you..."

This shirt may be dangerously cheesy, but its message is the cheese that goes crunch.  Some funny business is going on with the election, and someone will be caught red handed... or with cheese on their fingers.  It ain't easy bein' cheesy!

Got a little soupy this past week, with the bisque staying on simmer a bit too long.  A good soup takes time, and the end result speaks to your soul.  And we all know any soup is made better with some unoriginal premium salty crackers - topped with tear salt.

It's no COVIDcidence that we dropped this joint the same day Busta Rhymes dropped his new album, ironically called Extinction Level Event (2). We're happily a part of that Fandemic!

Ya ya yaaaa... ya. ya... Ya. ya yaaaaaaa.

WU-HAN!! Got You All in Check!

Trump’s secret bank account?  Biden’s financial dealings?  While Russia and Iran may be guilty of meddling in our elections, it is no secret who owns us.  Life’s better when we’re Chinnected! 

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program with this late breaking DKTV News Exclusive: NEWS IS BROKEN!  The 24hr Cable News Cycle has officially been deemed incapable of delivering news without bias or agendas. MSNBC, CNN, and FOX NEWS have all been implicated.  As more details roll in, DKTV will be the first to report.  But, for now, all we can report is that NEWS IS BROKEN!

George Carlin coined the phrase “The Pussification of the American Male.”  And while his bit was about Harley Davidson themed restaurants, if he was still with us today, we know he would have something else to say about this “Pussification”.  It would likely be “I want YOU to go Fuck Yourself”.  We’ll relay that message for him! 

I’m Casper, the friendly ghost / The DOPEST ghost in town / All the bitches love me ‘cause I’m fucking CASPER / The DOPEST ghost around.

Don’t kids say the darnedest things?

I have no legs… I have no legs… I have no legs to stand on to argue that!

Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them; for this is the Law and the Prophets.

                        - Matthew 7:12

Dumb Kunst Studios is happy to launch our very own mascot. He is our DICK ON… Opps… Scratch that… Scamble it… He is our DK ICON. I C how DK could have blown that up. 

Without further ado……. Meet Dick. He’s the Bomb!

On this DIY episode, we'll teach you how to make a hanging photo frame out of an old wire clothes hanger.  You know what else you can use a clothes hanger for?  You got it... DIY at its finest!  But unfortunately Mommie Dearest said "No Wire Hangers Ever"... so with that, let's just keep abortion safe and legal.  We present to you the Coulda’, Shoulda’, Woulda’ of Keeping Abortion Legal.

Three (3) Versions Available

The Girl With The Black Eye is an example of how violence can destroy something beautiful.

Proceeds to be donated to The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Artwork by MMpaintography: WEB | FB | IG

“It's really hard to hate someone for being different when you're too busy laughing together.” - George Takei
He’s here for a Hostile Takei-Over!... 

Proceeds to be donated to the Human Rights Campaign.

Dumb Kunst under the rainbow, way down low.
Typed out in Helvetica fort, just so you know.
Oh, Dumb Kunst under the rainbow, real skies are gray.
Storms brewing over the rainbow, as the climate DK’s (decays).

The Proud Boys are a far-right, neo-fascist and male-only organization that promotes and engages in political violence in the United States and Canada - Wikipedia.  
And clearly they like the cock as per their official logo.  Heyyyy... You Go Boys!

Dont Tread On Me?!?!?!  Cute.  I see your Rattlesnake, and raise you Honey Badger.  Bring it on cause... Honey. Badger. Don’t. Give. A. Fuck. 

You can't help but... with 20/20 hindsight, go back and say, 'Look, had we done something different, we probably wouldn't be facing what we are facing today.'

                        - Norman Schwarzkopf

You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know me. 
You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know me. 
Who’s down with O.P.P.? Every body!
Two wings of the same bird.  Two sides of the same coin.
Oppressive Propaganda Posters got everyone marching to the beat of the same drum.  
It’s Naughty by Nature!

Three (3) Versions Available

Time to Make the Artwork.  Time to Make the T-Shirts.  Time to Make the Stickers.  Time to Make you Giggle.  Hey!  Wake Up!  We’re up bright and early every morning so you can enjoy our delightful t-shirts, hoodies, stickers and laughs - fresh everyday.

Two (2) Designs Available

Roses are Red. Violets are Blue.
Revolutionary But Gangster; one of just a few.
May the legend rest in peace, as she has now passed.
She fought the fight, more than once, always kicking ass.
With a pending nominee to get pushed through, her significance is now realized.
RBG in RGB - we do our best to keep her memorialized.

And now, for those in attendance and USA Fans watching around the world… This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Live from Washington D.C.

Iiiiiiiiiiitttttttttsssssssss TTTTIIIIMMMEEEE!

See Collection for Elaborated Description

I'm not ashamed to say
I hope it always will stay this way
My panties are off, won't you stand up and take a bow

I said, certified freak
Seven days a week
Dry ass pussy
Make that pull-out game squeak, woo

      - Cardigan Bea Arthur

In 2020, we would literally vote for Pedro. He has a sweet bike. And he’s really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus, he’s like the only guy who isn’t being accused of pedophilia. Allegedly, Randy isn’t the only one saying “Give me some of your tots.”

Two (2) Versions Available

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.  Let’s dive into our main story tonight: Hunger.  I know what you gluttons are thinking - Please Sir, I want some more! Well you know what? Fuck you!  And Now This....  

Proceeds to be donated to Feeding America

Two (2) Versions Available

Adorable or deplorable? Joie de vivre or covfefe? You be the appointed judge. Sure to be a hit at your party. Whichever party you belong to.

Space Farce, our phony frontier
These are the images of Dumb Kunst Studios
Our five year mission
To make it five years
To eek out new art
With old illustrations
To badly go where no company has gone before

Take me out of the ball game,
Take me out of the crowd;
Buy me some bullets and ammo packs,
I don’t care if I ever come back.
Let me shoot, shoot, shoot for the brain thing,
And if I miss, its a shame.
For its one, two, three shots, I’m out,
Of the old ball game.

We’d like a Mocha Americano. No sugar. Just equal. It’s time to take our coffee black and stand tall (or venti)! 

Proceeds to be donated to the National Urban League

Welcome to White House World! Join Melania Mouse, Donald Dick, Goofy and a cast of characters pretending to care about you and your well-being. Our government is awful and this is our seal of disapproval.